Film Review: “Scoob!” (2020)

1 out of 5

I never realized how much I loved Scooby Doo until recently. As someone who loves horror, true crime, and Halloween I often try to trace my love of these back to some definitive source. My mom and grandma were big true crime readers, I was allowed to have Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark scar me at a young age, I watched The Twilight Zone and Night Of The Living Dead and spent most of my childhood trying to relive those experiences. But I’m almost certain that my interests in all these things can be narrowed back to he classic cartoon Scooby Doo Where Are You!. 
That show took monsters, ghosts, haunted houses, mysteries, and crime and wrapped it up in a package that was lighthearted colorful fun. Scooby Doo in various incarnations as a staple in my house, and I would come back to it on and off over the years. The franchise is like comfort food for me; the visuals and sounds are a soft blanket that mellows me out.
So when I saw the first trailer for this movie Scoob! became one of my most anticipated movies of the year, especially because I could take my young son to it. And then Covid came and shuttered the world and Scoob! came straight to homes. I was home from work on the day it came out and shilled our the $23.99 it cost to purchase it from Amazon and watched it with my kids.
I won’t mince around it and just say I didn’t care for it. The first ten minutes are really good and shows just how good this movie could’ve been had it followed a traditional Scooby Doo formula. This movie opts instead to focus on launching a Hanna-Barbara shared cinematic universe, so there’s no mystery and little-to-no Fred or Daphne or Velma, and instead we get a cadre of (sorry to their fans) forgotten HB characters like Dick Dastardly, Muttley, Dynomutt, Blue Falcon, and Captain Caveman, all of whom distract from our core group. I can’t be the only person who comes to a Scooby Doo movie for Scooby Doo and the gang, not the cast of Wacky Races. Honestly it’s shocking that Yogi and Boo Boo didn’t show up, I don’t think there’s a real reason they couldn’t have.
The animation is crisp and appealing and the voice acting is strong even if the studio made a big point of not offering the role of Shaggy to the resident actor who’s been behind the character for ten years or more, Matthew Lillard. Will Forte takes over the role but doesn’t really do much of anything that Lillard couldn’t have. Another snubbing is that of Frank Welker, the man who’s voiced Fred Jones since 1969. Fred is now voiced by Zac Efton, but Welker was still allowed to voice Scooby Doo so I guess he wasn’t stiffed as hard as Lillard was. Oh well.
The story is mostly incoherent and appears to have been concocted by a computer, wildly flailing from destination to character to random thing. Given the overall aimless tone this isn’t really all that shocking.
At least the Scooby Doo franchise still has a consistent output of tv shows and straight-to-video movies that don’t need to build a connected universe or feature big stars. The serialized tv show Mystery Incorporated is really good and should appeal to fans of Twin Peaks, the writings of HP Lovecraft, and even the music of Adam Ant. There’s also thirty something S-T-V movies that are either great or terrible with little in between that you can go through. This movie isn’t worth it, which is a total bummer.

Film Review: "Aquaman" (2018)

3 1/2 out of 5

During the big Lord Of The Rings style climax an army of sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads are ridden like horses into battle against an army of crab-people until Aquaman explodes onto the scene riding, and this isn't a joke, on the head of C'thulu. Every other sin this movie commits beforehand (the bad Indiana Jones excursion, the awful de-aging, the stilted dialogue, the confusing drama) are all instantly forgotten in this one ridiculous display of batshit inanity. The climax of Endgame was dramatically satisfying but this satisfied in a way I didn't know I needed satisfied: it made me marvel at the pure ectatsy of stupidity like I was a kid again watching the king of farty blockblusters, Independence Day. Hello boys, I'm back.
The closest approximation to Aquaman that I can think of is the prequels. So much of this movie is obviously green screened even if it probably didn't need to be. Watching Aquaman's dad, Aqua-human-dad, stand on a CGI dock waiting for Aquamna's mom, Aqua-fish-mom, to show up is confusing considering that there has to be at least a few docks in America that someone would gladly let them film on. I'd let Jason Momoa hang out shirtless on my dock. Heck, give me a cameo as "Neighbor hidden in bushes #1" and I'd let him do it for free.
And the dialogue and plot are nonsenical with everyone except Momoa overacting their hearts out. Patrick Wilson is Evilman, the aryan half-brother to Aquaman, who delivers all his lines like he just jumped out of a saturday morning cartoon. Oh yeah, Dolph Lundgren is also a fishman and his acting is surpringly good, probably because his acting prowess is the exact level as this kind of flarp.
But it's so stupid it's amazing. There's a "Fight For The Throne" battle that pretty much the same thing we saw in Black Panther except this has a giant octopus playing drums. A GIANT OCTOPUS PLAYING DRUMS.
What elevates the comedy here is that this is all played up as though it's high Shakespearian drama. Meanwhile, as all the theatrics roll on Jason Momoa is acting like he's on the set of a light hearted movie about a surfer bro who just wants a hot slice of 'za and a couple cold brews. He's just hangin' tough the whole movie and has an acting range that goes from smirking to light grunting. And if Momoa wasn't oozing big dick energy all over the place none of this would work, but he's literally swanging that dong like a hypnotist at the circus who's about to make you cluck like a chicken and it saves the movie from itself.
Look, it isn't high art or Shakespeare or anything like the MCU. It's a sloppy, unintentionally funny mess of a blockbuster that's so silly you just gotta let 85% of your brain seep out of your ear while you ingest over salted popcorn and chug beers just to meet it where it needs you to. It's a big dumb spectacle so have a big dumb time watching while secretely oogling Jason Momoa's beefcake beefiness beef mess. Okay? Okay.

Film Review: "Hellboy" (2019)

1 1/2 out of 5

I'm not a Guillermo Del Toro fan boy because he's made some awful movies (Crimson Peak, Pacific Rim) but I do genuinely love his Hellboy films. It had never occured to me that Mike Mignola, the creator of Hellboy, did not. Apparently he wasn’t a fan.He didn't dislike them to the degree that Stephen King loathed Stanley Kubrick's version of The Shining but he did enough to declare that this is more in line with conception of Hellboy.
And oh man that's disappointing.
If you enjoyed the humor and heart of the Del Toro films then this visually cheap Nu-Metal version of Hellboy is probably not for you.
I won't rehash the plot because it's a hodge podge of barely connected and barely fleshed out gobbledygook. There's a pigman and a witch queen and giants and fairies and zombie witches and a werejaguar and even King Arthur and all of it's slopped together with the grace and precision of a drunk dog falling down a flight of stairs. I'm assuming that at some point during the production someone said "hey this is a mess", but instead of cleaning it up the creative team decided to try and cover over issues with excessive use of the word fuck and cheap gore. So if you're a twelve year boy in a very conservative house in 1998 and your favorite record is Limp Bizkit's "Significant Other" then I have then movie for you! Honestly I'm shocked they didn't put tons of boobs in this, it's the only thing missing from this Frat Boy soup to really drive home the theme of stunted male juvenalia.
I'm loathe to give this film anything but it does have a few fun gems hidden in all the flotsam. The Baba Yaga looks great and is the most interesting scene in the whole film, probably because they put an actual person in make up and not low rent CGI. The character is great looking with a twisted face and an off putting crab walk, not to mention the human child soup she tries to serve Hellboy. It's a brief excursion but one that's welcomed. I also enjoyed the huge demon monsters who roamed around London pulling people apart. It was way too short but a cool drink of water in an otherwise barren desert.
The soundtrack is a mix of bad modern rock like Muse and bad Hair Metal like Motley Crue, and almost every scene starts with some poorly inserted track. It's a fitting choice considering that this movie has the mandate to have a CD soundtrack available for purchase with a "Parental Advisory" sticker prominently placed.
Overall this movie is a solid "Uggggggggh", and with the obvious low budget and crammed script I have to wonder why this didn't go to televsion. Some of the technical and story gripes could be overlooked if I was watching this as an eight episode Netflix series. The biggest bummer here is that this all but assures we'll never get a third Del Toro film in this series and it feels like such a waste.
But this is what Mike Mignola wanted, and apparently Mike Mignola is a stunted man-child who stopped maturing in early pubescence and feels that the height of culture is bad action and the word fuck all set to butt rock.
And if that sound like it's gonna piss off your parents then have I got the movie for you, dingus.    

Film Review: "Frozen II" (2019)

4 out of 5

At this point in time I'm throwing all of my money at Disney. Between Marvel, Star Wars, and Disney+ I'm suckling that bland paste so hard from the teat of that bloated mouse it's a wonder I can see straight at all. And as much as I hate to admit it I'm loving every minute of it.
The funny thing is that I have three kids but I saw Frozen before they were born and thought it was fine but ultimately cold to it. Now my two oldest love it and we watch it once a week. I'm assuming it's because I've had it pummeled into my life through sheer repetition but I've grown fond of it over the last few months. The story is simple and concise, the animation is great, and the songs are catchy earworms. So when I saw a trailer for the sequel that appeared to be doing something new I was actually excited.
And it's really, really good. When big budget sequels rarely evolve and opt to repeat prior sucesses this movie does just that: evolve. Each character has an arc and development, even Olaf the snowman manages a character depth and growth that will definitely have kids (and some adults) in tears. We get to see new places that further flesh out Arendell and its' place and history in this world as well as delving into ideas of war and betrayal that are easy enough for kids to understand but incisive enough for adults to feel. It's kinda surprising just how mature this movie really is.
The music is about as strong and singable as you can imagine and I'd guess some parents out there are already sick of it. Each new song is just as good as the ones from the prior film.
I personally enjoyed the new settings and spooky mysteries. The original has a strong winter aesthetic that have made it an unofficial Christmas movie, this one has a rich autumnal look and feeling and I gotta wonder if it won't end up a Halloween/Thanksgiving jam. I'm into it should that happen.
I feel weird admitting that at this point I'm 100% into a Frozen 3 more than I am a new Star Wars movie but here we are. Either way Disney will separate me from my money so that's my reality.
Hey, Bob Iger, take my money, dingus!

Film Review: “Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker” (2019)

1 out of 5

I feel like I’ve had my brain scrambled by this film. It is such an assault in every conceivable way that more than any film by Micheal Bay this final installment of the Star Wars Saga feels like the film equivalent of major head trauma.
Instead of discussing the fact that this movie eschews plot, character development, character, continuity, and pretty much everything else that makes a film compelling in favor of rapid fire fan service, I want to discuss the pacing and volume. From frame one the film convulses until the conclusion two and half hours later. Dialogue exists to only be expository and it’s all delivered in whooping hoots. By the time the first 15 minutes had elapsed I’d been barraged by so much so fast I checked my phone to see if an hour had already passed. It hadn’t. The pre-film warning that some strobing effects may cause seizures in epileptics feels disingenuous because it’ll cause seizures regardless of a history of epilepsy or not. You know how car accidents often get filmed in slow motion to express the dramatic intensity of the moment? This movie films that car accident in all its blunt real time.
One thing I find fascinating after watching this film is realizing that no one can pick up all of it on only one viewing. I don’t mean “blink and you’ll miss it” Easter eggs, I mean intrinsic plot and character points. I’ve listened to several podcasts and been surprised to hear a variety of things that unfolded right in front of me without my brain even registering them. This is probably due to information coming consistently at you as the viewer in no less than 200bpm, my guess is so you can’t scrutinize anything in real time. You have to accept unquestioningly what’s told to you because the next info dump is only seconds away. Again, this film is a boxing match with no fancy footwork or ducking; it’s all back-to-back head shots.
It’s also hard to discuss this without indulging the divided fan base and The Last Jedi. So much of this movie functions solely to undo that film and because of that it spends so much time building a whole new foundation. Last Jedi wasn’t a great movie and it’s one I struggled with as a fan, mainly because it ended where it started and left no threads to pursue moving forward. I don’t blame Rian Johnson as much as I blame Disney for giving him no end goal and apparently little oversight. As a second part in a trilogy it was an abject failure, and the backlash it received was merited (on structural and conceptual grounds, not the “she had purple hair!” ones).
As a fan of Star Wars I’m not sure how to feel seeing this conclusion to something that’s been in my life for the last thirty four years. I don’t fully understand what happened. Palpatine was back as a clone or was he a zombie? The new force powers (force healing and Sith lightning so strong it’s a giant sky beam) felt silly. The Star Wars™️ elements didn’t feel motivated by the story but more like a hyper active anime produced by Mountain Dew and Doritos Extreme. More than once I was reminded of Dragon Ball Z, and in Star Wars that’s not good. Rey and Palpatine legitimately go Super Saiyan. C’mon, JJ, why???
The worst realization is that I’m going to have to watch this film at least three more times to accurately grasp what it is and what it does and the truth is I don’t know if I can do that without giving myself a migraine. I can’t stop expressing enough how the frantic pacing and shrieking tone feels like having your head slammed against concrete. The Force Awakens was routine and pleasant, Last Jedi was syrupy slow and boring, this is the meth induced fever dream of an idiot savant who’s only reference point to film is Micheal Bay’s Transformers series. SLAM WHAM WHOOO WHAM BANG CRASH (repeat for 2 and 1/2 hour). Honestly, if it had a lady with big boobs shooting a bazooka at a parkour guy during a high speed car chase all set to a dubstep breakdown this would be a tonal brother to Bay’s latest ode to juvenilia 6 Underground.
I’d like to say it’s depressing but mostly I’m astounded that this trilogy had absolutely no planning whatsoever. Sure, the original didn’t either and the Prequels went through their own changes, but this swings so wildly and has no cohesion between films. Part of me feels like JJ should’ve helmed all three films and am not sure exactly why he didn’t. Another part of me wishes Johnson would’ve come back and done this film so that there’d be some continuity. Another part of me thinks that Last Jedi should’ve been part three because technically that film had an ending that felt conclusive.
I don’t know. I guess really it comes down to a combination of “who cares?” and “Star Wars is infantile what do you expect?” Content quibbles aside I expected to have a film that allowed me to breathe at some point and take in at least a little bit of what I was seeing and that was an expectation too great to be satisfied.
If you haven’t had the displeasure of experiencing this then I recommend you watch The Force Awakens at double speed and get it over with in 30 minutes and spare yourself. Hopefully Disney does something new with the franchise in a few years that at least has the planning involved that they employ in their other series, until then I’ll leave you with this films thesis statement to hold you over: SCREAM BANG BLAP POW PLUUUURP!

Edit for my wife: Babu Frik was cute.

Film Review: “IT Chapter Two” (2019)

3 1/2 out of 5

Warning: Mild Spoilers

When the first “IT” came out in 2017 I was genuinely concerned that I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing cute kids being brutalized. My daughter had been born about seven months earlier and my son was two and half, maybe not the ages of the kids in the movie but the change that parenthood had brought to me had altered my sensibilities. That fear was eased by the climax of the opening scene when evil clown Pennywise turns into a silly CGI monster with a mouth full of shark teeth when he attacks little Georgie Denbrough. What followed was a competent mainstream horror film that followed the structure of a Nightmare On Elm Street film with the visual style and color palette from the Conjuring universe.
Because the stakes were low in Chapter One my expectations were low here. In the intervening years I had read the book and knew roughly what to expect, and in that regard I have to praise this film for utilizing so much of the behemoth text when Ch 1 simplified and streamlined everything.
On the whole I enjoyed myself. I also had the same issues I had with the first entry, specifically the odd tonal shifts which are magnified here. At points this film can’t tell whether it wants to be a comedy or horror, as well as quickly breaking into saccharine shmaltz faster than Spielberg ever could. I guess these are hallmarks of Director Andy Muschietti that will pop up in his future work (which will probably be superhero movies, let’s be honest) and I’d imagine that it will work better outside of the horror genre.
As for this film you won’t be surprised by anything you see. The formula from the first (get main character alone/spooky clown turns into CG monster/character gets away) is repeated about a dozen times over almost two hours. The standout scenes are the ones featuring new kids in modern times: the girl under the bleachers and the boy in the funhouse. These have set ups and (bloody) payoffs unlike those with the main cast which imbues then with actual tension. If you know that the Losers can’t die (a large part of these moments occur in 1989, a time in which we already know that our characters survive) then the copious scares built around them have no inherent anxiety. Don’t get me wrong these scenes are fun they just have no stakes.
Adult Ritchie gets attacked by a Paul Bunyan statue and lives, Bev faces the old naked lady and lives, each Loser gets ambushed by Pennywise and lives. If we believed that any of them could die at any moment then we as the audience might feel that. As it is the film is a haunted house attraction full of loud noises and things springing out at you but ultimately nothing more than that, and in an era of films like Hereditary that feeling is too light.
What works are the performances and the general wacky quality. If you enjoy the middle era of Nightmare On Elm Street when Freddy became a jokester and the reason to watch the films was to see his hijinxs offing intentionally annoying teens then you'll love this. Pennywise is very much a modern iteration of Freddy, and following that impulse is the right thing to do. Pennywise is who you want to see, who’s tricks you’re really here for. If you wanted a coming-of-age drama where adults look back at their childhood that’s meaningful and ripe with emotional resonance then look no further than the 1,200 page novel that inspired this.
The biggest misstep this film makes is not following the course it took with the first film by simplifying the story and condensing it into something more tangible and coherent. A lot of this plot meanders and much of it could've been pared down. I've read that Andy Muschietti wants to release a supercut of both films with additional deleted scenes added back in, and if they re-cut it all to be closer to the books structure it might smooth out some of the awkwardness here even if it would be six hours long.
I feel like Warner Brothers had reservations when IT came out in 2017. They made the right changes but they ended up making a film that didn't really beg a sequel. And here's the sequel and it's fine but not much better than "just fine".
I walked out after the almost three hour runtime surprised that I enjoyed it as much as I did. It's an easy to digest horror spectacle that doesn't dwell too long on any one thing. Everyone brings their all to it and Bill Hader really shines. If you like these kinds of movies then you've probably already seen it; if you're not into this things then there isn't anything I feel compelled to say and try to sway you.
Part of me wants to take this and part one and put them in a box in my brain and file it all away but I can't help but wonder what comes next. I'm sure there will be more Stephen King adaptations coming and as a fan of the man I'm ready for that. I don't know the total budget to box office ratio yet but it's high. IT 1&2 are blockbuster films that have raked in a boatload of money and I can't imagine that Warner Bros and New Line are going to let such a magnetic villain like Pennywise (and the millions he'll pull in) go, and because of that I can't fully determine how I feel yet.
More than anything these days I feel less like horror movies are amazing or horrible, I feel like they're for people who are new to the genre and I think this set of films are perfect for people that want that introduction without taking a big risk. They'll probably float higher down here then me, and even though it's disappointing it could be worse.

Film Review: “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” (2017)

1 1/2 or 2 or 2 1/2 out of 5 (I don’t know)

I know that it’s been a year and a half since this film released and that this is very late. More than a review this is me trying to grasp this film and how it’s impacted the entire franchise.
Pre-Last Jedi we had Disney plotting out Star Wars films infinitely. This trilogy would wrap, more anthology films would release, and then after a break Episodes 10 through 12 would come out. Conceivably, the Star Wars brand would chug along into infinity.
And then The Last Jedi and Solo happened.
I’m not going to rehash the same gripes we’ve all heard. To me this movie is a mix of the highest highs and lowest lows. It’s the best looking film in the entire series; it’s absolutely gorgeous to look at with amazing cinematography and composition as well as with its color palette. The story, plotting, and characters are a shambles, though. More than those issue the second biggest sin this movie commits is being fucking boring, possibly more so than “The Phantom Menace” which had almost ninety minutes of bureaucratic grumbling. There are some great set pieces, namely the throne room scene and the hyper-drive kamikaze, they just don’t absorb enough of the runtime to offset the grueling slog that makes up the rest of the film.
The biggest sin and ultimately the one that kills the film is that it reneges on all of the themes it labors over in the third act. The entire film we’re told to “kill the past” or that “the Jedi must end” and everything we’ve honestly seen in the prior eight films stands as evidence of that. The Jedi Order were stodgy child abducters who were played by the Sith and destroyed because of their own bullshit, the Empire fell only to beget the First Order.... time and time again all of the suffering in the galaxy comes down to this eternal battle between Good Vs. Evil or Light Vs. Dark. To truly bring peace or balance to existence you need a middle path and this movie spends the majority of the time building an argument for that. When Kylo Ren asks Rey to join him I was the most excited I’d been in a Star Wars film since I was a child. All I could think was “holy shit they’re gonna upend the whole thing”, which would’ve been bold and set up the franchise to explore further ideas and concepts. At some point though someone put the kibosh on that and the second Rey refuses the offer the whole film (and possibly the franchise) tanks quicker than the Titanic did as soon as it broke in two.
Everything that’d been set up is quickly dismantled: Ren is still bad, Rey is still good, Luke declares that the good will always fight the bad forever, we’re shown a dramatic self-sacrifice one minute then told self-sacrifice is wrong the next. By the time credits roll we’re right back to where we began when the original Star Wars started.
I don’t speak for the fandom, only myself, but “The Last Jedi” is a major disappointment. The abundance of non-white and female characters are given short shrift. For all the declarations that this film contains woke feminism all I see are characters with great potential for interesting development running in circles doing nothing of value. Laura Dern plays Vice Admiral Holdo, a character who’s alluded to backstory sounds pretty neat, but she’s only directed to sneer and snark before exploding. Amy Tran’s Rose Tico could’ve been the first meaningful ground-level female character and only gets to deliver vague Tumblr ready slogans about animal cruelty during the most pointless scene in the series. Finn, who we’ve spent two films getting to know has only progressed a little as a character at the end. In fact what could’ve been his shining character moment is totally undercut so him and Rose can kiss.
When the film was finally over I felt fatigued and finished. “The Last Jedi” doesn’t tie up every lose plot thread but there’s something in its very essence that says “The End”. It’s Empire and Jedi rolled into one and as a viewer I have no nagging questions that need an Episode 9 to answer. That feeling seems to have been universal because Solo: A Star Wars Story bombed. It didn’t fail solely because of bad blood from TLJ but that definitely didn’t help.
At some point someone at Disney realized that Star Wars wasn’t building into a new Marvel and they pulled the plug on the anthology films before giving the big ultimatum: Episode 9 has to close the loop. Whatever films come next will not continue the story that started in 1977. If TLJ was supposed to pave the way for the story to continue into eternity then this kind of finality is surprising. Now Disney and JJ Abrams (back after relaunching Star Wars only four years ago) have to conclude the trilogy in a functional way that unifies the drastically different “Force Awakens” and “Last Jedi”, but also has to close up and unify the Prequels, the Originals, and the Sequels. That’s a lot to do and quite honestly I’m not sure if anything that happens in Episode 9 will really matter. JJ isn’t a risk taker but he’ll have to go back to that throne room scene and what it could’ve done and wrestle with that. If these nine core films and two anthology films gotta be wrapped up then it needs to do what it’s promised to do for forty years and balance the fucking Force already.
The only reason I started writing this is because I still can’t rank this film. Every Star Wars fan has their list of best to worst and I’m no different. If I’m focused on the visuals alone than this goes above the Prequels, but if I rank it according to entertainment it goes below them. It’s ambitions and one writer/director auteur attitude are admirable but it highlights how little planning has gone into this new trilogy. Ultimately I don’t know where it goes and that’s irritating. As it currently is my ranking goes V, IV, VI/VII, R1, III, S, I, and II with VIII out in no-mans-land.
My hope as a fan is that Episode 9 marries the tones of the last two installments and delivers something new before Star Wars as a cinematic experience takes a break.
“The Last Jedi” confuses the lack of excitement and an excess of boring sub-plots as bold risk taking. It tries in vain to add complexity and nuance to the franchises aging morality and almost does something transcendent only to pull away at the last second. For that reason TLJ will always be the biggest “shit the bed” moment since Jar Jar Binks took a face full of space camel farts on Tattooine.