A Eulogy For Rush Limbaugh

Rush Limbaugh, or El Rushbo (English translation: “The Rushed Beau”) as he preferred his followers to refer to him as, died and went to Hell this morning with only his beloved humidor of cigars and his tolerated pomeranian Poopsy by his side. A temperamental man of few words repeated many ways, Rush saw himself as an underdog of American Exceptionalism in a time when American Exceptionalism was the standard. Always willing to fight even when there was no fight to be found Rush would make a point of arguing with any inanimate object he found objectionable, up to and including garbage bins, the bread selection of his neighborhood Kroger’s, the wooden Indian outside of his cigar shop, and most notably with a half eaten Big Mac he’d forgotten about on his broadcast desk (“I’ve been infiltrated by feminazi scum! Who do you think you are, you lipstick besmirched chowderhead?!??”). He had many enemies during his tenure as America’s favorite radio blowhard but counted a select few as confidantes. He was known to golf with exiled Cobra leader Cobra Commander, was once spotted giving advice to Ming The Merciless, and most recently was “the devil” on President Donald Trumps shoulder. He leaves a divided legacy, remembered as a terrible father, an inept lover (12th wife Sharon Sharons was quoted saying “Rush called love making a ‘grunt n’ dump’ and it was as passionate as it sounds”), but also as a tender defender of every bad idea the GOP could concoct. He’s survived by his humidor, his second humidor at his studio, and his third humidor at his Boca Raton retreat El Rato Rushbo, as well as his legion of loyal morons The Dittoheads who now, having neither the guidance of Trump or Rush, are experiencing an existential panic and have begun fleeing into the surrounding woods and forests to disappear into the shadows. In accordance with his last wishes his body will be cast in bronze and sunk to the bottom of Loch Ness where he hopes to prove that not only Nessie is a secret hedonistic lesbian but also that this is the location where the corrupt Democratic Party had hidden the Dominion servers that prove Trump won the 2020 election. He also wished to have a plaque bearing his name and a quote, “Daddy would like some sausage?”, left near the shoreline.

In lieu of flowers the staff of his EIB studios is requesting that bags of dog and/or human shit be sent to President Joe Biden