1 out of 5
I feel like I’ve had my brain scrambled by this film. It is such an assault in every conceivable way that more than any film by Micheal Bay this final installment of the Star Wars Saga feels like the film equivalent of major head trauma.
Instead of discussing the fact that this movie eschews plot, character development, character, continuity, and pretty much everything else that makes a film compelling in favor of rapid fire fan service, I want to discuss the pacing and volume. From frame one the film convulses until the conclusion two and half hours later. Dialogue exists to only be expository and it’s all delivered in whooping hoots. By the time the first 15 minutes had elapsed I’d been barraged by so much so fast I checked my phone to see if an hour had already passed. It hadn’t. The pre-film warning that some strobing effects may cause seizures in epileptics feels disingenuous because it’ll cause seizures regardless of a history of epilepsy or not. You know how car accidents often get filmed in slow motion to express the dramatic intensity of the moment? This movie films that car accident in all its blunt real time.
One thing I find fascinating after watching this film is realizing that no one can pick up all of it on only one viewing. I don’t mean “blink and you’ll miss it” Easter eggs, I mean intrinsic plot and character points. I’ve listened to several podcasts and been surprised to hear a variety of things that unfolded right in front of me without my brain even registering them. This is probably due to information coming consistently at you as the viewer in no less than 200bpm, my guess is so you can’t scrutinize anything in real time. You have to accept unquestioningly what’s told to you because the next info dump is only seconds away. Again, this film is a boxing match with no fancy footwork or ducking; it’s all back-to-back head shots.
It’s also hard to discuss this without indulging the divided fan base and The Last Jedi. So much of this movie functions solely to undo that film and because of that it spends so much time building a whole new foundation. Last Jedi wasn’t a great movie and it’s one I struggled with as a fan, mainly because it ended where it started and left no threads to pursue moving forward. I don’t blame Rian Johnson as much as I blame Disney for giving him no end goal and apparently little oversight. As a second part in a trilogy it was an abject failure, and the backlash it received was merited (on structural and conceptual grounds, not the “she had purple hair!” ones).
As a fan of Star Wars I’m not sure how to feel seeing this conclusion to something that’s been in my life for the last thirty four years. I don’t fully understand what happened. Palpatine was back as a clone or was he a zombie? The new force powers (force healing and Sith lightning so strong it’s a giant sky beam) felt silly. The Star Wars™️ elements didn’t feel motivated by the story but more like a hyper active anime produced by Mountain Dew and Doritos Extreme. More than once I was reminded of Dragon Ball Z, and in Star Wars that’s not good. Rey and Palpatine legitimately go Super Saiyan. C’mon, JJ, why???
The worst realization is that I’m going to have to watch this film at least three more times to accurately grasp what it is and what it does and the truth is I don’t know if I can do that without giving myself a migraine. I can’t stop expressing enough how the frantic pacing and shrieking tone feels like having your head slammed against concrete. The Force Awakens was routine and pleasant, Last Jedi was syrupy slow and boring, this is the meth induced fever dream of an idiot savant who’s only reference point to film is Micheal Bay’s Transformers series. SLAM WHAM WHOOO WHAM BANG CRASH (repeat for 2 and 1/2 hour). Honestly, if it had a lady with big boobs shooting a bazooka at a parkour guy during a high speed car chase all set to a dubstep breakdown this would be a tonal brother to Bay’s latest ode to juvenilia 6 Underground.
I’d like to say it’s depressing but mostly I’m astounded that this trilogy had absolutely no planning whatsoever. Sure, the original didn’t either and the Prequels went through their own changes, but this swings so wildly and has no cohesion between films. Part of me feels like JJ should’ve helmed all three films and am not sure exactly why he didn’t. Another part of me wishes Johnson would’ve come back and done this film so that there’d be some continuity. Another part of me thinks that Last Jedi should’ve been part three because technically that film had an ending that felt conclusive.
I don’t know. I guess really it comes down to a combination of “who cares?” and “Star Wars is infantile what do you expect?” Content quibbles aside I expected to have a film that allowed me to breathe at some point and take in at least a little bit of what I was seeing and that was an expectation too great to be satisfied.
If you haven’t had the displeasure of experiencing this then I recommend you watch The Force Awakens at double speed and get it over with in 30 minutes and spare yourself. Hopefully Disney does something new with the franchise in a few years that at least has the planning involved that they employ in their other series, until then I’ll leave you with this films thesis statement to hold you over: SCREAM BANG BLAP POW PLUUUURP!
Edit for my wife: Babu Frik was cute.
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